Minneapolis – Fate of the Gods

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Some places live so close to the edge, they can’t tell when they’ve gone over. The annual snowfall in Minneapolis is more than 45 inches a year. They have an average of more than 100 days a year with an inch or more.

So it was hard to tell when snow kept falling in July if the last snowfall was coming later or the first was coming early. For three years, the snows ran into each other until finally someone said, “What happened to all the tornadoes?” It took three years for the panic to set in, and the people of Minneapolis to stop wearing shorts and saying this was nothing. Three years of the Mississippi as an ice skating rink. Three years before they found themselves huddled in their homes, fearing that they were the epicenter of a new ice age, and worried they would be bound into a single glacier with St. Paul.

Fortunately, that didn’t happen, because Black Surt rose up from Muspell and took a flaming sword to the place.

That’s right; Ragnarok played out in Minneapolis.

It all started when the Timberwolves won the playoffs, which a drunken Odin took as the sign of the Wolf Age and said, “Alright, let’s do this thing.” When people saw an enormous serpent encircle the city, they just figured it was a particularly good art installation from the Walker Art Center.

The 10th Avenue Bridge suddenly became a giant glowing rainbow, which I guess means Asgard was in Dinkytown. The Aesir came pouring across Bifrost armed and armored and screaming for the blood of Loki’s children and the armies of Muspell and Hel. Unfortunately, this coincided with an ill-timed hipster fad of dressing up ironically as frost giants, taking a heavy toll on Seward before everything got sorted out.

Jormungand wrapped itself around the Skyway, and Thor had a devil of a time trying to pull him off of that. Fenrir and Odin went at it on the roof of the Metrodome. The Allfather was consumed and Vidar ripped the wolf’s jaw off tossed it into the river. Heimdall played a pickup game against Loki, which was the death of them all.

Then it got really bad. Sun got eaten, Yggdrasill shook, Bob Dylan moved back. Finally the banks of the Mississippi rose up and swallowed the ground.

The place is pretty wet right now. But as I understand it, things are going to get good again. The land will come back and Prince is going to do a benefit show in Prospect Park. Lif and Lifthrasir will come out of their hiding place on Boom Island and watch the daughter of the sun. They’ll have kids who’ll have kids, which isn’t as creepy as it sounds for some reason. Anyway, Minneapolis will come back and everyone will go on like nothing really happened.

Just really cold for a while, but they’re used to that.

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